Week twelve - summary

Overall, I found this personal change project to be a success, and it is one that I definitely want to continue to work on. I think one of the biggest components of personal change is to be realistic. You don't want to make a personal change goal that is too lofty because then you won't find success early on and you'll get discouraged and maybe back off entirely (something we need to keep in mind when making goals for our clients as well). That being said, it's also good to try and push the limits because you don't want to make your goal TOO easy. This is where the "zone of proximal development" comes in - we want to find the balance of enough success to want to keep going, but challenging enough to really push ourselves.

For instance, with my project, I've found that it's unreasonable to cut out complaining entirely, as sometimes it's necessary for our well-being to confide our problems in someone we can trust. Now that I've gone through with my project, I wish I had made my goal something like "to stop myself from complaining about things that can't be changed." Complaining about things that CAN be changed can be helpful, because others might be able to help you improve on your situation. Complaining about things that CAN'T be changed, however, seems meaningless. For instance, complaining about people, your job, the day of the week, homework - what's the point? Why not just look at the bright side instead?

I had an epiphany last week while I was sitting in one of my classes and the professor was discussing the final exam. I began to get overwhelmed thinking about all the studying I had to do, but then I thought about how much I actually enjoy the material I'll be studying. Yes, it may take me a while to review everything, but I actually find it interesting! It's not like I'm studying something I don't care about! Then I started thinking about all the other things I have to do before the end of the semester. They are mostly all things I find interesting! So, I could sit and complain about all the work I have to do, or I can be happy about the fact that I love what I'm learning and will most likely continue on to love my future career. So, I guess thinking about what you're going to say before you say it can change your perspective on it - and I definitely feel better about myself and my situation when I think more positively.

Personal change is definitely something I want to focus on for the rest of my life - I really believe it's important to continue to grow and change because improvements can always be made! While I had difficulty at times measuring my success with this project, I think it helps having a goal that is measurable so you can really track your progress. It also helps to hold yourself accountable if the raw data is right there on paper - it's not something you can make excuses about! So, I've learned a lot about personal change and myself from this project, and I hope I can continue to make change and better understand the difficulty associated with the changes our clients are asked to make.

Week eleven

Well I haven't been very good at keeping track of my complaining on paper over the past week. Plus the week has really gone by in a blur so it's hard for me to think back! Well, I do remember that I had one day last week where I had a really bad day and didn't feel well, so I had a little break down and had to be comforted by Bret. Sometimes I feel like those days are necessary to just get it all out, and it really did make me feel better afterwards...plus Bret was able to remind me that it was just a bad day and not a reflection of me as a person or anything. Sometimes we just have to be reminded of those things. I had a really productive weekend where I was, once again, able to just put my head down and plow through what needed to be done with no complaining.
There have definitely been a few instances lately where I've had to practice helping other people to think more positively. This has really been difficult for me because I don't want it to sound like I'm not giving them the space they need to "vent" - as I mentioned above, sometimes it's necessary to just let it all out in order to feel better. I feel like this will be a really important skill for me to continue to practice and get better at for counseling because I know it will be necessary for me to listen to client's problems and allow them to feel that it's okay to have those feelings, but I'll also have to push them in the right direction to think positively and take responsibility for their progress. Maybe this is something that would be beneficial to discuss during the next Counseling seminar?

Week ten

I was really looking forward to trying my new method of "stepping out of the room" when I felt stressed, but I haven't really needed to try it yet! Last week I did become slightly overwhelmed one day but a simple mantra of "stay positive, stay focused" helped me to get through that quickly without complaining. I also had to get work done this weekend which was easier than the previous weekend when I did a lot of complaining about the work I had to do. This weekend I just told myself from the beginning that I had to get it done, so I should just do it instead of talk about it. Well, it worked and I was able to be very productive. So, as a whole, I did a really great job of staying positive and keeping the complaining to a minimum this past week. I do have a good chunk of work to do before Thanksgiving but I'm actually feeling very good about it right now. I feel like I'm in a good mindset for the week to be able to just get it done without a lot of struggle. Let's hope this positive attitude keeps up :)

Week nine

I believe that I have continued to make some small progress over the past week. It has still been difficult for me to remember to mark everything down to really keep track (especially as I've gotten busier), but there are specific times that I remember stopping myself from complaining (at least once a day probably). Also, there have been at least two times where I've been able to make a comment to someone else to hopefully allow them to look at their seemingly bad situation from a different perspective. I was thinking today about how difficult it has been to stay out of the social complaining going on about school, because it is so much easier to fall into that conversation to connect with my peers. I am going to continue to be conscious about it so that I can try my best to either change the subject or shed positive light on the matter.

Week eight

Well, I have to say that I have not been very successful this week in terms of my personal change project. Stress and the large amount of work I have are definitely to blame for this. I have been spending so much time and energy completing all of my school work that it has been hard to really concentrate on not complaining, especially about all of the work I have! I did think about it a little bit and tried to remember how much I hated being bored over the summer with basically nothing to do, so in some ways I do appreciate being busy. I think I will have to keep trying at this over the next few weeks because it doesn't seem like the semester is going to get any easier. It will probably be most beneficial for me when I'm stressed to not complain, because it will keep me positive which will probably help me get my work done more easily! Alright, I'm going to go do some work now and not complain about it!

Week seven

So this past week has been challenging with regards to my personal change project. It was that time of the month for me, midterm exams/projects are starting up, my placements are kicking into high gear, and Bret (my boyfriend) has been stressed out about work. Keeping all of this in mind, I was still able to stop myself from complaining about these little things MANY times. The complaints did slip out a couple times, namely when I was also over-tired, but I was really able to hold myself back a lot. The other girls in the grad program are starting to feel the midterm pressure too, I think, so I was also able to try out getting them to think in a more positive way. This seemed to help them feel a little less stressed about the situation and to take steps to improve it.

Also, I was very nervous about Bret and I both being stressed about school and work at the same time, but we have both handled it very well so far. Usually, in times like this, I might take out my stress on him which would make him be less supportive and, in turn, make me more upset. Instead, we have both acknowledged our stress and heavy workloads and have set aside time for us to do work together and time for us to relax together, so we're really helping each other get through this, which is great! I definitely give a lot of credit to this project for that, because there were a few times I wanted to nag him about different things, but I stopped myself!

Week six

I have continued to benefit from a decrease in complaining, though it does become harder with the cold weather (something I often complain about). Since I am able to pretty effectively control my own complaining at this point, I would like to really start trying to give other people perspective when they are complaining about something. This will be difficult because I don't want to come off as judgmental - sometimes people need to get things off their chest and I don't really have the right to take that opportunity away. So, I will try to focus on the smaller things that people complain about - such as mondays or the weather.

There is a big thing I've noticed as a result of trying to live in the present (not complaining about the past or future and just living moment by moment). I don't generally feel the sense of time moving too slowly or quickly, which is something people tend to say they experience. I often hear "this week is going by so slowly" or "the weekends go by too quickly" etc. I also often hear "wow, it's october already?!?" Since I have been consciously trying to live moment by moment and just take everything in stride, I feel like time moves as it is supposed to. For example, someone exclaimed that it was already halfway through the month on October 15th! So, when I then thought about it, I realized it actually felt like two weeks had gone by since October 1st - it legitimately FELT like the middle of the month! I remember always thinking last year that the middle of the month meant that it was almost the end of the month. That seems so silly now that I realize the middle is just that - the middle! It's not the end and it's still a good week or so from being close to the end. It's just a really cool feeling that time is moving just the way it's supposed to - so I don't feel like I'm being rushed through anything and I don't feel like anything is dragging on - it's just right!

Week five

This blog is on par with football season...I just realized that! haha

This week I want to talk about complaining in relationships. I have been in a committed relationship with my boyfriend for about a year and a half now, and we have been living together since this past August. Now, while we generally get along great, we have butted heads on more than one occasion. Most often, our problems stem from me wanting to plan ahead and him wanting to take things day by day. Just this past weekend, we had a disagreement stemming from this. Instead of lashing out and complaining to him about it like I normally would, I walked away and thought about it. When there's a disagreement, generally one person wants something one way and the other wants it another way. So, in order to come up with a solution, one person may have to sacrifice. I often fight to the death in these situations so that I don't have to sacrifice...or I do sacrifice, but I don't let it go for the rest of the day. This weekend I tried a different approach - sacrificing/being a little more lenient on my end and getting over it more quickly so we could go on with our day. It felt so much better! In the past, I knew complaining about it never made it better, but I guess I just wanted him to feel guilty. This weekend, he probably still felt a little guilty, but he also felt thankful and I got major girlfriend points (he's taking me out to dinner next weekend). Besides this weekend, I have been able to stop myself from little complaints or nagging in my relationship, and I feel I have really reaped the benefits. Even though we've had the big change of living together the past few months, our relationship has never been better. And on those days where he does something that bothers me or is not that considerate, I am still able to think about how great he is all the other days. No one can be perfect all the time!

Week four

I made a revelation this past week about why it has been difficult for me to keep track of my complaint-stopping. I haven't clearly defined what it means to me to "stop myself from complaining about something." I was initially thinking that I would count the times I was able to basically stop the words from coming out of my mouth as it's about to happen. I have had trouble tracking my progress on this because, generally, I am able to stop myself long before this. For example, my boyfriend and I both go to separate gyms and work out regularly. I often share my gym experiences with him, and this sometimes includes complaining about something that happened at the gym. I usually think of things to tell him while I'm actually working out, so when I think of something negative, and the thought crosses my mind to share this with him later, I tell myself right then that it's unnecessary complaining. I haven't been thinking to count instances like this before, which is why it has been difficult for me to keep track! So, I will now be including these into my count. For the past week, I have counted three different days where I've stopped myself from complaining once. I believe it has been more than that, but I still need to modify my record-keeping strategies.

Also, focusing my efforts on eliminating negative thoughts has made me notice other people's negative thoughts much more! I am completely shocked by the amount of people who complain about Mondays and the amount of people who say, on Monday, that they can't wait for the next weekend! If we live only enjoying the weekends, I feel like it significantly shortens our lives!

Week three

Alright, I will have to admit that I haven't gotten better at recording my complaint record. I thought about lying, but it's just not worth it. Plus I can't lie about anything.

The biggest impact I've noticed is the perspective I've gained from really thinking about whether or not something is worth complaining about. I've also noticed that it really is necessary to complain in a constructive manner at times. Like, if something just isn't going well, or if it's not going the way I expected, it helps to talk to a friend or family member about it just to see what kind of advice they can offer. And sometimes it helps just to talk about it aloud to think of changes that can be made for improvement.

So, back to perspective. I knew this was going to be a big benefit of reduced complaining at the beginning of this project. So far, it has worked out - even when little annoying things happen that I might typically complain about in a social manner, I stop and really think about whether or not that little thing is going to negatively impact my day as a whole. Usually I know it's not going to, and it will be something I forget about pretty quickly. So why bother even bringing it up to somebody? This makes me think of the quote "Little people talk about other people. Average people talk about things. Great people talk about ideas." (author unknown, of course) Maybe when I'm tempted to talk about a little thing like that in a social situation, I will talk about ideas instead! That would make my conversations much more interesting. :) Overall, I love the perspective-taking that I'm doing with this project because it really makes me stop and think "is this really that bad?" I've always believed that people always want what they don't have. For instance, I hear people in school say that they can't wait to graduate and get a job. I also hear people who work full-time say that they wish they were back in school. While I can see the benefits to both of these situations, my goal is going to be "to be happy with what I have RIGHT NOW." Reducing the amount of complaining I do is allowing me to take the perspective required to really accomplish this goal and, so far, it's going great!

Week two

So, I don't have quite as much to say this week, as promised. It has been extremely difficult for me to keep track of my complaint-stopping abilities. In fact, I haven't actually made any written tallies of when I've been able to stop myself, even though I know I have. It is difficult to pull out my planner and mark it down every time I stop myself from complaining, but I'm just going to have to start doing it since I haven't been able to figure out any other way to keep track. It's just too hard to see if I'm reaching my goal without having the numbers right in front of me. I know I have slipped a few times, which is to be expected since I'm basically counting every negative thing that comes out of my mouth as a complaint. I am going to have to consciously think before I speak if I want to stop myself every time. As Nicole mentioned on my last post, complaining really is used frequently in social communication. I am noticing this so much more since I've started this project. There are many times where I've wanted to open up a new conversation with a small complaint (this is where it's difficult for me to state something I'm grateful for in place of the complaint - it seems out of place to START a conversation that way!). I think the purpose of this is just to initiate conversation by saying something that someone else can probably relate to.

Alright, I apologize for this being somewhat of an empty post, but I will try and work on keeping track over the next week, so I have more concrete data to work with.

Week one

The fall semester of my second and final year of grad school has just begun. Everyone in my program is required to take a Counseling seminar that meets a couple times during the semester and discusses the counseling side of speech-language pathology. We had our first meeting two weeks ago and were each assigned the task of planning a Personal Change project. Our professor explained that it does not have to be school-related and some examples she gave were "drinking 8 glasses of water a day" or "exercising 3 times a week." Once we come up with a change that we are personally invested in, we are required to journal about it once a week and participate in two online discussions twice during the semester with the rest of the class.

I have decided that my personal change is going to be made in the realm of verbal complaining. I can not take full credit for this idea, as I first heard of it from here. Since I heard about that 21-day challenge a few years ago, I've been wanting to try it out myself, or at least a variation of it. Since I'm required to do this personal change project for more than a 21-day period, I've decided to make my goal "to stop myself from complaining verbally at least 2 times per day." Ultimately, I would like to stop myself from complaining EVERY time I have the urge, but I want to be realistic and understand that sometimes it helps to vent to someone you can trust about something that is bothering you. My professor replied to my personal change idea with the information that, when you take away a behavior, you have to replace it with something else. She gave me the idea of, instead, stating something that I'm grateful for. I am still struggling with how to do this without feeling like it is too contrived. I wouldn't mind thinking to myself something I'm grateful for, but saying it out loud and out of place (to my conversational partners) still seems difficult, thought I admittedly haven't tried it yet.

I will briefly discuss how this project has been going during the past week. One of the first few days of this project, I had a very difficult night at work. It was extremely challenging for me to bite my tongue so that I wouldn't complain. That night really got me thinking about the specifics of complaining and what actually counts or what is just a discussion or statement. For example, if I have to get up at 5:30 AM the next day and I simply say to someone "I have to get up at 5:30 AM tomorrow" it doesn't SEEM like a complaint since it is just a statement, but the listener will undoubtedly reply with a sympathetic statement, as if it were something I was complaining about. For this project, I will treat statements like this as complaints since it is obviously a negative thought. Using the same example, instead of making that statement, I will say something like "I can't wait to see my middle schoolers tomorrow." This works better because it is positive and pretty much always true! Which makes me think that sometimes I might complain just to make conversation...which is ridiculous! On other days this week, there were whole days where I didn't have the urge to complain at all. As the semester gets busier, and friends are complaining about the amount of work we have, stopping myself from participating in the negativity will be a lot more challenging!